As husbands, we all get asked uncomfortable questions from time to time. Unfortunately the wrong answers can explode from a seemingly insignificant exchange of words into a full-blown atomic meltdown faster than you can say, “Tiger Woods.”

With that in mind, I’ve come up with some easy answers to some of the most potentially volatile questions your wife might ask you. Memorize the answers. They will keep you in good stead throughout your long, happy and successful marriage.

A happy wife is a happy life

Q: You don’t mind if my mother comes to visit
for 2 weeks do you?

Answer: “Of course not.”

This one is very tricky and amateurs are tempted to say, “Yes, I mind very much!” or try to negotiate a lesser visit. However this will only lead to resentment and there’s a high probability the mother-in-law will visit for 2 weeks anyways.

Listen, the idea here is to minimize the damage. So be positive. Then retreat to your office/room/cave and plan a full 2-week agenda that will have you out of the house early in the morning and getting back after mommy-in-law is fast asleep. Ideal? No. But given the alternative it’s the best you can expect.

A more advanced strategy is to use the response, “only 2 weeks? Wouldn’t you like her to stay longer.” This can give you a very large and quick inflow of husband points, but be very careful. Before using this advanced strategy ensure you know mother-in-law’s schedule and are certain she has something pressing back home that will force her to leave in 2 weeks.

Q: Do these jeans make me look fat?

A: “Of course not.”

Amateur husbands sometimes try to get funny with answers such as, “it’s not the jeans that make you look fat,” and “there’s just more of you for me to love,” or the more straight-forward, “yes, they do.” These are never good answers. Keep the witticism for the boys at work and the brutal honesty for your accountant and doctor. The only correct answer here, and I repeat, the ONLY correct answer is, “of course not.” Period.

Q: Do you think that girl is prettier than me?

A: “Of course not.”

This is not rocket science guys. It doesn’t matter whether “that girl” is Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Connolly and Bo Derek (in her prime) all rolled into one. The answer is, “of course not.”

Q: Do these gray hairs make me look old?

A: “Of course not.”

Most women have a hang up with anything that makes them look old. But hey, aging is a fact of life. So unless you want to foot the bill for expensive weekly hairdresser trips (or worse, monthly Botox injections), then it’s in your best interest to make her feel anything but old. Gray hairs notwithstanding.

Q: Shouldn’t we be putting our money into mutual funds?

A: “Of course not.”

The majority of mutual funds charge high fees and underperform the markets. Less expensive index funds don’t beat the market. Get her the Pragmatic Investor book and show her how to invest correctly. Alright, alright, I snuck this blatant advertisement in here. But it’s still true. Check it out now!

Q: There’s a funny smell in my car…
Can I take your Porsche to meet Jenny?

A: “Of course not.”

Hey, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Pick your battles wisely, but some things just might be worth a night or two on the couch.


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